The Fourth. And the Last. About the First. On her Ninth.

(estimated reading time 5 and ¾ minutes, give or take 53 seconds)

Dear Antonia,

Believe it or not, the experience of writing a 100 list about Jonah, and Emma, and ESPECIALLY Kyra, was nothing short of painless. A mid-year checkup where you get your teeth polished and a purple soft-bristle toothbrush before going home. Maybe a fluoride rinse in that vile pina colada flavor. But your list, on the other hand, yours is a root canal, my love. And I mean that in the best possible way. You see, you are my only child that even knows of the infamous 100 List’s existence. You’ve read the rest of them and now await, baited breath and all, the last one: your very own. And, while Kyra won’t read her list a good five years from now (if that), you will be reading yours in the next 24 hours, checking for factual accuracy, your heart racing as it scans each sentence giving it a high-medium-low rating on the embarrassment scale. If I truly cared about you, I wouldn’t even put you through it. I DO realize this. But then again, I truly care about you!

So whaddya say we take care of this like a tetanus shot and get it over quick:

1. I can implant a song into your head in a matter five seconds. FLAT! Wanna see?? “Do you know the muffin man? The muffin man?? The muffin man…"

2. You hate when I do that.
3. But I know you secretly like it.
4. There’s a book open on my desk. It’s yours, and it’s open to a multiplication table.
5. What are you doing studying the times table in July?!
6. I’ll tell you what. You are memorizing things like 7 x 8.
7. You wanna be sure you know that 7 x 8 is 54 next time you’re asked.
8. Oops! I mean 56. Sorry.
9. You are the girl I would have furtively loved to hate when I was your age.
10. Why? Because! You’ve got great skin! And a gorgeous smile! All that and you are NICE!
11. Four days ago, you came home wearing this on your t-shirt: Everybody loves a girly girl
12. Sure. But where is she??
13. It’s true that you ask for clothes and shoes on every gift-receiving occasion.
14. And you like mirrors.
15. And French manicured toenails.
16. But few nine-year-olds block the goal much better than you.
17. Or change a two-year-old’s poopy diaper without getting a few seconds of the dry heaves and watery eyes.
18. Maybe I just don’t know what constitutes a true “girly girl.”
19. But I wonder how many enjoy getting knee-deep in muddy river water.
20. Or will clean a toilet without complaining.
21. Or derive pleasure out of camping and fishing activities.
22. Although you ARE the perpetrator who taught Emma to say, “EWWWWW!”
23. Thanks to you, she says that for everything, including dinner occasionally.
24. I do know that you don’t fit nicely into a box of any sort.
25. You could never be a smurf. Your name would be too long — Brainy-Handy-Vanity-Smurfette with a touch of Gargamel occasionally.
26. You are competitive. Excuse me, that should be a capital c with an exclamation mark. You are Competitive!
27. You want to multiply better than anybody. (NUMBERS. Multiply numbers.)
28. And read better than anybody.
29. And be the first nine-year-old with a book deal.
30. And art gallery.
31. And what’s wrong with wanting to win all the points that this world has to offer?
32. The good news is that you are willing to earn your spot as All Around Best at Everything.
33. You work hard when you put your mind to it.
34. I told you recently that to write well you have to read like it’s going out of style.
35. You are currently reading, what, THREE books?? Whispering Witches, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, and… Become Naomi Leon.
36. WHILE studying the times table.
37. AND burning a whole in my couch.
38. Yes, we are on day three of fever just before bed.
39. As if allergies weren’t enough to make you miserable.
40. Or Shoe-Watching duty.
41. Or watching the kid-across-the-street-who-hits-people duty.
42. Or all the other duties you have personally assigned yourself.
43. Some people might say you are a busybody.
44. I just call you anxious.
45. Everything has the potential of making you uneasy.
46. Dogs.
47. Strange cars.
48. A stain.
49. A lump in your ponytail.
50. I know it’s not really in your blood, but we are going to expand your sense of humor before I die, if it kills me.
51. For some reason you have a ongoing problem with twitchy toes.
52. Except when you are watching TV.
53. Nothing seems to bother you then.
54. You recently went against your better judgment and gave watermelon a try.
55. And liked it!
56. You beg.
57. “Please let me watch PG-13 stuff!”
58. “Please let me have a cup of coffee!”
59. “PLEASE can I stay up till midnight!!”
60. “PLEEAASSE can you make me spinach??”
61. That’s right, you love your greens.
62. You recently had snow peas and fell in love with those, too.
63. We saw Monster House on Friday, and you blew me away when you recognized Napoleon Dynamite’s voice.
    
64. We share the same taste in music now.
65. And we’re well on our way to bringing Jonah over from the other side.
66. The other side being the video game soundtrack planet.
67. You are forbidden from watching the news until you are 45.
68. Unless you nurture your funny bone between now and then.
69. You have a vague memory of your old imaginary friends: Mikey. Jimmie. And Chamber.
70. Although you are POSITIVE we owned a cat named Scary once.
71. Ummm…. no.
72. It was the neighbor’s.
73. Inspired by my deep desire to stay home with you when you were a baby, I named the main character in my novel after you.
74. I never would have guessed you would be NINE and someone who could actually READ it by the time it would be published.
75. And no, you can’t.
76. Read it, that is…Until you turn 15.
77. And that’s being generous. It’s kinda like the NEWS.
78. Sometimes I accidentally call you Emma, or Kyra.
79. Sometimes I even call you Liz.
80. I suppose it’s your thick, wavy hair.
81. If I let you choose your chores, you would put yourself in charge of one key thing: dressing everyone each morning.
82. You have no problem saying things like, “Is that what you’re wearing today?” or “Um, how about THIS necklace instead.”
83. You learned sarcasm at a VERY young age.
84. And have honed the skill ever since.
85. Maybe you have a vestige of humor in you after all.
86. Maybe we just need to work on getting you to quit feeling everything so deeply.
87. Then again, no. We don’t want that at all.
88. Within minutes, you can figure out almost any video game.
89. And yet you can’t seem to crack the code that is Kyra.
90. You are very good at giving someone your undivided attention…
91. When you’re truly interested.
92. When you laugh, you LAUGH. No fartin’ around in the laughing department.
93. When you cry, you CRY.
94. When you lie, you often waver.
95. Although your face doesn’t really know the meaning of dishonesty.
96. If you are apprehensive, or angry, or jealous, or even HAPPY, you may as well save your breath. No sense in contradicting what I already know is true.
97. For example, I know that you are protective of your siblings to a fault.
98. I know that you want to please your father and me both more than anything in the world.
99. I also know that you can’t always do both.
100. But above all, I know your heart is in the right place, and your brain isn’t far behind.

Therefore, I will refer back to this list often as you get older. And maybe you should, too. You are an amazing human being, no matter what Jonah says. Happy 9^th Birthday, Antonia! You can take a big deep breath now. It’s over. Was that so bad??

All my love,

Mom