Kid Two: Mom, is C-R-A-P a bad wud?
Beleaguered Lady called Mom: Yes. And you over there, quit biting your nails.
Kid One: Did you wash my uniform?
BLCM: Are you asking me why she has to quit biting her nails? Or why she wants to know if I washed her uniform? And yes, it’s in the dryer.
K1: But did you wash it in hot water like my coach said?
Kid Three: I’m not BITING my nails. I’m CHEWING them.
BLCM: Because I said so. And quit CHEWING your nails then. And no, I didn’t wash it in hot water. It’s not necessary.
K3: It’s not my NAILS. It’s my FINGERS. And I’m just TOUCHING them now. With my mouth.
Kid Four: MEEMBO! MEEMBO!
K1: But my coach SAID! She stressed the word HOT!
BLCM: Auntie isn’t your MOMMY. Auntie is your COUSIN’S mommy. So quit chewing or TOUCHING your fingers then! Just… get your hands out of your mouth! And by the way, COACH isn’t mommy either.
K4: MEEMBO! MEEMBO!
K1: But… but… why did she stress hot when—
K3: Can I just SUCK on my fingers?
BLCM: And did your auntie actually say she’d yell C-R-A-P? Or did she say CRAP?! Because there’s a subtle yet poignant difference. Your coach said hot because she wants it to shrink, like, TOMORROW! Not necessary! It’s soccer fer cryin’ out loud. Not a formal dance. I’m not going to wash it in hot all by itself OR wash it in hot with a load of other clothes and let the color bleed all over the place. No, we are going to wash it in warm like all the other blue shirts we own. And, so help me…. If you don’t get that finger out of your mouth RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY!!!
K4: MEEMBO! MEEMBO!
WLCM: *heavy, heavy sigh* Sweetie, there’s no more rainbow. It went night-night. It went night-night and I’m INFINITELY jealous of the prettiful rainbow that’s gone now. And you over there picking your nose with my placemat, forget I mentioned the word poignant, okay? It was a stupid, stupid thing to do. Bottom line: Don’t say crap. Say… I don’t know… Rainbow! when you trip and fall.
K1: I still think it should be in hot.
K4: MEEEEEMBO!!!
I came from a family of four kids...
ReplyDeleteand I would always turn to my mother at the tail end of these 'encounters' and mutter...
And this message has been brought to you by the planned parenthood council...
She failed to see the 'humour'...
I don't get it. Why wouldn't I want to have dinner at your house? Well, except I don't want a place mat, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI grew up the youngest of 5. I had two and married three to make five. Whassa matta chou, lady? You only got four!! Suck it up! You didn't get that title, Beleaguered Lady called Mom, because it was the only one available, ya know!!
LOL! I miss that. And I'm so glad I live alone now!!!!
And bottom line, we both know, is...you wouldn't have it any other way. Well, for no longer than a week!
Have a good day, dear girl!
I envision similar scenarios in my house with my future offspring...only my kid won't be asking me if CRAP and STUPID are dirty words, he'll be asking me if SHIT and FUCK are dirty words. I better clean my mouth out...
ReplyDelete...and just so you know, it's not like I got here without any help! I distinctly remember a dinner table moment when I was a kid and my brother said "Shit!" at the dinner table (I'm sure he had a good reason). My mother said "Young man, I will NOT have any foul language at my dinner table." To reinforce the issues, my father backed her up by saying, "Yeah, I never want to hear another fucking swearword while I'm eating my goddamned dinner."
ReplyDeleteSo, in a sense, I think it will take more than soap to clean my mouth out!
I would love to come to your house for dinner. Your family always sounds like so much fun!! I would feel right at home, being one out of six kids and having 3 of my own. You may not want us coming to dinner, though, as crap is a good word in our house. I am happy when my kids use that instead of shit :) I do wonder though, as I have similar conversations with my oldest, why when a teacher or coach says something it has been decreed by the almighty himself, but when I say something is up for debate???
ReplyDeletelol this is hilarous cuz its so like my house. gratned i only have one kid but she talks to me like kiddo with the uniform does!
ReplyDelete"...And this message has been brought to you by the Planed Parenthood Council..." Damn!! That's SO MUCH of a better title to this blog post, Pendullum!
ReplyDeleteI've gotta tell you, I'm highly impressed that you all followed this at all. Thanks for the empathy. And for making me giggle under my breath at my workdesk.
Here's the bitch of it all... I'm the cause of all these useless conversations.... because I'm not good on my feet. A smart mother would lie and say, "Yes, I washed it in hot." A smart mother would say, "No, crap isn't a bad word... UNLESS you attempt to tell me I'm full of it." A smart mother would take the nail-biter's hands and tie them behind her back and spoonfeed her at dinnertime, ya know what I mean???
Oh Catherine, that was so hilarious, especially the placemat thing. I only have two to contend with, but have often contemplated running screaming toward the sanctuary of my own bathroom - the only room in the house with a lock, to get away from the sea of voices. You seriously deserve a medal.
ReplyDeleteBut an EVIL (mother which you are not!) would place that icky stuff, that is used to discourage nailbiting, by its vile taste, on your kid's nails as she sleeps....
ReplyDeleteIt makes me miss the days with my brother and sister as kids....hilarious as always!
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot to make Jason's usual conversation of fart jokes and Simpsons quotes seem enlightened. :)
ReplyDeleteI did follow it, but that's because I was reading it. If I'd actually been there, in the place of BLCM, I would have stuffed myself into the washer with the soccer uniform.
ReplyDeleteI still want to come over though. When the snow melts.
Yes, we've had the "is crap a bad word?" conversation before. In my defense, it's the worst I've ever said but I've got my kids on such a tight verbal leash that they think I've got a full-on swearing tirade going if I utter the word.
ReplyDeleteSigh. Sometimes the situation is that bad and that's all I can think of.
Funny stuff. It makes me nostalgic for my children as little kids.
ReplyDeleteMeembo! Meembo!! Yeah.