Chicken soup for the sleepy soul

I know it's probably best to stay away from my blog when every sentence I start writing begins with "Why why why..." i.e. whine whine whine. Hence, my absence. No sense in spreading the negativity, using valuable blog space to vent in nonproductive ways. I kind of touched on some of my petty troubles in my last post. You know, the broken car, the broken garage door, the broken front door, the broken hair dryer... And yes, things got blessedly repaired and/or replaced. Better still, my water probs went POOF, which is PRAISE GOD AND HALLELULIAH HUGE. "So how is it possible that you're in a funk?" you ask. "You sounded so CHIPPER in your last post, Catherine." Well. Isn't that the nature of funks? They can be as random and nonsensical as my taste in music. One day I'm all about New Edition; the next day it's Death Cab for Cutie, man.

The truth is that it wasn't so random. Lots of big and small things were vexing me but, by and large, it's been about The Novel. Is anybody out there still reading this blog to find out about my novel?? OK, you. Yes, YOU. You know who you are. Here is the lowdown, the nice and abridged version: Not. Yet.

I KNOW what I said. January. February. March. April-- But not yet. You bloggers I've known since way back when are going, "DUDE. You've been under contract for three YEARS or some such nonsense!" But let's remember that a good year of those three was spent fixing my shit. You may recall that I had these really great characters and, like, ZERO plot. THEN, I had bookoos of plot but way too many characters. Or maybe it was one too many chapters and not enough allegory... Anyway, for me, editing was a lot like mastering chicken soup. Honestly, it took me A DECADE to figure out how to NOT ass up chicken soup. It was always too salty, too mushy, too greasy, too ORANGE... So this publishing house was like JOB incarnate during that year of editing. Now it's my turn to be patient because I'm pretty sure that NOBODY would have worked with me the way that they did. They took an iffy-at-best pot of chicken soup and totally made it edible.

Right now, though, my editor is dealing with serious health issues. The big blurbs are not all in. And our fabulous artist is giving tender, loving detail to the cover. We are THIS CLOSE to being there, and trust me, it's gonna BE THERE like a good neighbor..... But the bottom line is that you need to quit waiting for now. I don't want to jinx things with another to-be-released date. Ironically, I do believe with all my heart and soul that it's gonna happen, but when it happens it will be a nice surprise, like some raspberry filling when you're totally expecting banana custard because you thought the GOOD donuts were all taken.

For now, though, I only have a VAGUE interest in getting out of my comfortable bed. I'm heavy with sleepiness, which is what a nice vintage-year funk can do for me. And, while the funk gives me an unfortunate affinity for saying words like SHIT on my blog, it DOES pass. I've even learned to welcome the sleepiness. No more beating myself up for it because, while the funks may be kind of random, they're actually as regular an occurrence as my quarterly condo association meetings. Now, instead of exasperating my funk with a dollop of FRET, I rent movies; I put on my pajamas; I pull out the microwaveable food for the kids; I eat my weight in popcorn; I get horizontal. And then I wait. I'm good at waiting. Because this too shall pass. Come on, say it with me: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Seriously, though, it will. It's really easy to feel sorry for myself and, by association, my book. But my editor has a much more serious situation on his plate and if he can deal, I sure as hell can deal. Yeah, this kind of puts the kibosh on the swanky, no-holds-barred, RSVP-type pity party I had planned to throw for myself. But trust me when I say that you wouldn't have wanted to attend this thing anyway. Lots of boozing followed by even more snoozing.

But enough about me and mental illness. I have some thank-yous to dispense of.

To Aimee: Thank you for hosting the first Earth Day Kids Art Auction!

To The Aunties: Not only are you several notches higher in Jonah's cool-o-meter for your comment/bid on his interpretation of Earth Day Art, but I'm sure you have earned yourself AT LEAST 800 good karmic points, maybe in the form of a winning lottery ticket that will take you to someplace fun and balmy this summer. This is me metaphorically placing my mouth upon God's ear and making a modest plea on your behalf. A hundred thank yous.

To BillandJill: Antonia would like to say, "You are SO LUCKY to have won the bid to my art because I WILL be rich and famous one day and then you'll be so glad you invested a bargain five bucks on my wonderful creation!" This actually means, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!"

I'll see you all on your respective blogs after naptime.