Warming Up

No mistake about it, summer has finally arrived in south central Colorado. I do believe it was 79 degrees here today. Downright sweltering. Another sign of summer? My kids have commenced softball, t-ball, swimming lessons, and the drive-in theater occasionally. I’m good at none of the above except the drive-in theater. I’m EXCEPTIONAL at the drive-in theater, so we’ll be doing that one extensively. In between all that, my time will be spent practicing SUCCINCT. As I mentioned in my last post, I have much to learn when it comes to questions and brevity. Any questions, really, but mostly those tricky ones dealing with the novel. I’m as terrible at the SUCCINCT as I am at the softball and the t-ball and the swimming. Most recent case in point: It took me two posts to tell you about a rock in my son’s ear. TWO posts. So I thought I’d utilize my blog here and now to attempt purveying information that has recently been asked of me in such a way that is enlightening yet short ‘n snappy. Ready? Here we go:

Q: Why does our garbage can suddenly look taller?

A: Because it is.

Short ‘n snappy but not enlightening, you say?

Revised answer in all its truthiness: When the southwesterly winds are blowing 80-mile-per-hour on Trash Day, sometimes half the town’s garbage cans escape their rightful owners and congregate at the far end of our cul-de-sac like a gang of triumphant canines free from their leashes and fenced-in backyards. Ours included. At times like this, the only thing a person can do is peer into these garbage cans’ dark viscera since, unlike dogs, they all look identical on the outside. And when they are all shiny clean inside, not fuming with an inadvertent (maybe slightly advertent) compost pile at the way bottom, I then know with certainty that ours, albeit filthy, was one of the brighter ones… a rebel with a cause, a trash can on a mission. Freedom bound, if you will. Probably floating down the river by the same wind that cut some of our trees in half. And since nobody came around claiming these runaways, I took it upon myself to replace our fugitive with another that just so happens to be of a larger, more virile, breed.

I know. Not my best work. Better examples... sort of:

Q: What is a womb?

A: Hmm… a womb. A WOMB… a womb is that place where a woman harbors her unborn child until it’s time to be born.

Q: Harbor?

A: Yes, harbor. As in house. Hold. Protect.

Q: Oh, so.... you mean the stomach?

A:Wellllllll ……..not exactly. It’s below the stomach. It's different. Kinda spongy. Pear-shaped, I think. It stretches, of course. It’s… you know, the WOMB. The uterus?

Q: The vagina?

A: No, not the vagina. It’s… ABOVE the vagina… just above the cervix.

Q: The what?

A: The cervix….that passageway where the menses flow.

Q: The what?

A: You know… the.... what's another word... you know. The menses. The…that stuff. That... well, you know, the stuff you'll learn about in fifth grade.

Q: Mom, does this have to do with babies?

A: Ummmm...... I'm not.... you know.... It's a long story... I kinda think I need to look into this some more. Yeah, I forgot you'll be ten here in about a month. I think I need to get back to you later. No no, not today! No, I need to prepare my succinct answer. So. Yeah. We'll talk babies and and wombs and menses in, say.... late August. Yes, this year. Yes, I pinky swear.

Q: Okay, so how in the world do you cook chicken legs so that they are COMPLETELY black on the outside and totally raw on the inside, Mom? How???

A: Oh, that one’s really easy. You assign me the job of frying them.

Any other questions?
Anyone?
Anyone?