Everywhere I turn, there’s a kid who’s struggling to learn something new. Toni, for example, is wrestling with the idea that babies aren’t grown somewhere within a woman’s gastrointestinal system. Jonah is grappling with the cruel reality that the letter R does not go AWWWWWW. Kyra’s attention is split between finding new and improved ways to avoid going potty and learning the complicated art of putting on shoes. And Emma… sweet Emma… is taking after her mama. She’s in the midst of trying to figure out how to answer the tough questions of this world. Questions like WHY.
I take for granted that I have several thousand words at my disposal when trying to explain to Allan why I absolutely, positively needed to use an ATM machine that charged me $5.99 for the privilege of its services. Just imagine how much harder that would be if I only had a couple hundred words in my lexis repertoire. The solution to such a dilemma, I’ve learned through Emma, is to just make crap up. Be creative. Whimsical even. Sound deranged if you must.
Q: “Emma, why did you hit your sister?”
A: “Because… I have to scratch my toe.”
Q: “Emma, why are you ignoring me?”
A: “Becaaaauuse….. Daddy doesn’t have too much hair.”
Q: “Emma, why did you put Vaseline all over your face?”
A: “Um. Because I want to watch Lazytown.”
You know, maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe she’s not creative, whimsical or pretending to be crazy after all. Maybe she’s just a master at changing the subject, a skill highly worth emulating in cases of emergency, as far as I’m concerned. And yet…it’s really not emulatable once you’ve passed the age of three.
Q: “Mom, what is a womb?”
A: “You know, I’ve always wanted to study the comedies of Shakespeare.”
Q: “Mom, where is the cervix?”
A: “Lordy, but that chimichanga sure did me wrong!”
Q: “Woman, why couldn’t you just drive three more blocks where the ATM would gladly spit out your money for FREE?”
A: “Seriously, our children need to stay away from boys whose middle name is Wayne.”
AH, but maybe changing the subject does work in certain circumstances after all!
Dudes. Wayne is a HIGHLY unfortunate middle name. Check it.
I love when they think they can distract you like that!! We know it doesn't work, don't we? Catherine? CATHERINE?? Hey!! Don't get distracted like that! Sheesh.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...changing the subject. I like that! I'm going to try that next time. And if that doesn't work then I think I'll just do what all the politicians do when asked a direct question: "I'm not taking questions today."
ReplyDeleteAnd be advised, anyone with the name JED is, like Wayne, to be avoided.
GAH! I put Vaseline all over my face when I watch Lazytown too! Sportacus is cute. :)
ReplyDeleteI was just with a little 8 year old girl who had heard about me but hadn't met me. She told me that she thought I would have long blond hair, have an accent and not be so OLD. Honst, if nothing else.
ReplyDeleteI've got no kids of my own so my opinions aren't informed by personal experience, but I love the non sequitur approach to reasoning with the shorties. And yeah, everyone knows that Wayne was a wanker. And don't get me started on anyone named Trevor.
ReplyDeleteFinally saying hi, and laughing my toosh off.
ReplyDelete