To the 60 people who came here this month Googling "cryptic tonsils," I've moved on

It's the last day of July and, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I am SO ready for Fall. Unlike other Julys from my past, I took this particular July and wrung every last bit of volleyball games, somersault lessons, fishing trips, Coronas and margaritas, napping sessions, itching, sneezing, laughing, scratching, weed-pulling, river-walking, cake-eating, present-opening, leg-shaving out of it. I'm spent. Despite the occasional allergy attacks, I enjoyed myself like it was going out of style. And now it feels like I've developed a case of summer hangover.

Although this just might be the food-poisoning talking... not from the water, mind you! Surprisingly, I think I contracted it the old-fashioned way... by eating poisoned FOOD.

So, after much contemplation, I've decided I need to quit eating stuff that's so old I don't quite remember when it was prepared. 'Cause, you do this kind of thing long enough and pretty soon you get cocky. You think your stomach is invincible to the dangers of fuzzy bread, green cheese and bubbly salsa.

But I'm here to tell you, chances are it is NOT. You'll be toolin' along, minding your own business, humming to Panic! at the Disco, eating a sandwich made with bologna that expired three weeks ago, thinking, "WOW. I'm a freaking genius! I'm saving a small fortune on groceries by eating every last scrap in the fridge before running down to King Sooper's and dropping two benjamins on a boatload of generic everything."

Not. True.

Unfortunately, I didn't compensate for all the money I would throw into my water bill for the toilet-flushing and laundry-washing, the head-soaking! Not to mention the hours of electricity I racked up by needing a fan directly hitting my face for three days. Or was it four? No, it was definitely five. Or the money I paid to my children to fend for themselves! To stay away! To not touch! To go, "LALALALALALA!" when my grody, demon-possessed stomach noises moved up into my throat.

I want to say I'll be back in the blogging business next week. Or maybe tomorrow! Definitely before summer's over. Mark my words, I'll be back with plenty to say on subjects that don't involve bodily fluids and porcelain bowls.