Bureaucratese

In the spirit of sharing some good-natured humor, I thought I’d post a recent memo sent to all employees within the agency where I toil every day. Names have been withheld to protect the innocent messenger of do-goodness who gave several hundred people great purpose as they walked away from their cubicle to the nearest water cooler and/or breakroom to participate in the long-held tradition of jaded whining and government ridicule. Personally, I say thank goodness for the messenger of do-goodness. I’m growing tired of whining about war, debt, poverty and drought. It’s just not as fun. Anyway, here is the memo:

In conjunction with President Bush's Energy and Fuel Conservation Action Plan, we are conducting an inventory on the number of incandescent light bulbs that are being utilized in employees' work stations/areas. These are your standard household light bulbs that are screwed into sockets. They are not the fluorescent tubes that are mounted in overhead or undercounter lighting.

If you are using any of these incandescent bulbs in your work station/area, we would like to know how many bulbs are being used, what they are mainly used for, and what percentage of time do you use them. Do not provide information on any bulbs located in storerooms, closets, restrooms, etc. - only provide for the ones in your work station/area.

Please provide this information in an Email to my attention by no later than COB (Close of Business) on Monday, March 20, 2006. If you do not have any of these incandescent bulbs in your work station/area, please do not respond with a negative report.

Thanks for your cooperation in this inventory.

Purchasing Agent

So if I’m going to share the memo, I should probably share some of the whining and ridicule (SOME because I could never share it all… you’d be overwhelmed.):

1. How many words does it take to explain to a government employee what an incandescent light bulb is?
2. If they wanted to know what our light bulbs are mainly used for, then why didn’t they give us some examples of a light bulb’s many uses? We just aren’t that BRIGHT to figure it out ourselves.
3. How many tax dollars were used to explain to government employees that COB stands for Close of Business as opposed to Carroll O’Connor’s Birthday?
4. I know they don’t want any “negative reports,” but isn’t a positive report actually negative?
5. Why is it okay to ignore President Bush's Energy and Fuel Conservation Action Plan in the storagerooms, closets, restrooms and that distinguished place labeled “etc.”?

There, I’m done now.