7 - 3 = 1

I am overwhelmed with information to share. I actually have about SEVEN blog posts that I feel compelled to write, but since I'm not prepared to sit at my computer for another five hours and, because blogging is becoming as hedonistic an activity for me these days as a Rosemary Mint Awakening BODY WRAP, I have decided to cram THREE of these potential posts into ONE. This here is what you might call "A Post for the Tenacious Blog Readers of On The Banks of the Rio Grande."

*cue the faint sound of crickets*

OK.

Post I, otherwise known as The Water Update

We are in what is being referred to as Phase Yellow. Phase Yellow means that the water can still cause one's intestines to rebel in ways not suitable to discuss in polite conversation. BUT. It's not the original Phase Yellow which said, "Flush and/or Shower in Lukewarm Water (very quickly), but, seriously, NO MAS." We've since moved to The New and Improved Phase Yellow. We'll call it... Phase Olive Green, maybe. Or Phase BILIOUS. Because we've actually been given clearance to drink, cook, and brush our teeth with the water SO LONG as we pinky-promise to boil it first. Unfortunately, we aren't quite in the GREEN phase which is the "Go forth with your life and pretend that this tragedy never happened" phase. It may be JUNE before we get to THAT coveted phase. Although, I must tell you... I don't think I will ever be quite back to that phase. When your water is called into question for this long a period, and when you are relying on the grocery store, or the kindness of friends and family, or the one-gallon-per-person-daily-ration-given-out-at-The-Old K-Mart-Parking-Lot...well... water takes on a whole new level of pricelessness.

I was anal about conservation and ecofriendliness BEFORE this drama, as many of you already know. But now? You might not want to leave your faucet running wild and free in my presence. Because I might have to step onto my soapbox and lecture you till your ears roll up like circus tents and set up camp somewhere near your cerebral cortex. Therefore, if you care anything at all about your EARS, you will wait until I'm gone before you take precious water for granted, 'kay?

Post II, otherwise known as Kyra Had A Birthday This Weekend and Now I Have TWO Three-Year-Olds

For fifteen days out of the year, I have two children who are the same age. On the 20th, Emma will turn FOUR, and then I can quit explaining to strangers at the grocery store that, no, they aren't fraternal twins, just very excited to be the same age for the next two weeks which, by the way, is why they are holding up three fingers for you to acknowledge. We celebrated Kyra's birthday this weekend with beautiful weather and red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and sprinkles. We drew funny faces on pink balloons and watered daddy's lawn and ate REALLY GOOD FOOD for lunch and dinner... OUTSIDE because, dare I say it? Spring has arrived in Colorado. April 5th, to be sure. For her birthday, Kyra received a Dirt Devil Vacuum and I've come to realize that, it's not so much that she loves to clean, she just hates messes. Paper towel commercials make her break into a nervous sweat if the TV mom doesn't clean up the spilled juice fast enough. So Emma has been given permission to go ahead and vacuum for her with this new toy that purports to being a REAL vacuum even though we couldn't coerce the damn thing into picking up a few minuscule cupcake crumbs for us. Lo, we were asking too much of the C batteries inside of it. In the meantime, Kyra will continue to get on her hands and knees and, in all her graciousness, eat the cupcake crumbs for us.

Post III, otherwise known as May I Die Before My Husband

Allan: I finished our taxes today. Maybe now I can get three hours of deep sleep instead of my usual two.
Me: What's your problem?
Allan: I worry.
Me: About what?
Allan: What you will do once I die.
Me: You mean in general? Or what I'll do about income taxes?
Allan: Both, but mostly the income taxes.
Me: Dude. I managed before you. I'll manage after you.
Allan: But I know how you are! You'll take your taxes to get done at those quickie tax places that only require their employees to take a six-week training course.
Me: And??
Allan: Sweetie, we aren't using the 1040EZ anymore. We need more experience, somebody who knows the difference between married filing jointly and married filing separately and which one applies to our particularly nuanced situation.
Me: *pensive silence*
Allan: OR.... We need for you to make a concerted effort to learn how to do them yourself.
Me: Well, if you're dead, I won't need to do either the married filing jointly OR married filing separately, will I? But if it will make you feel better, I promise I'll just take my stuff to an honest-to-god CPO when the time comes.
Allan: And you wonder why I stay up worrying all night!
Me: What?!
Allan: What the hell is a CPO?? I need you to take your taxes to the honest-to-god CPA.
Me: *Falls out of bed with laughter*
Allan: Dear god, my wife is going to go to jail someday, isn't she?